40, Flawed, and Figuring It Out: A Midlife Reflection

On March 25th, I’ll turn 40 (but for fun $32.99 plus shipping and handling)

Not in the way social media glamorizes it, not with a curated photo shoot holding gold balloons. No. I’m turning 40 in the way that feels like quietly putting down a backpack I didn’t realize I was still carrying. A bag filled with survival stories, unfinished grief, and old armor from the Army Reserves that no longer fits the woman I’m becoming.

I’ve been many things in this life so far—soldier, clinician, educator, business owner, widow, mother, friend. But as I enter this decade, I find myself asking: How do I want to live now that I know what it took to survive?

The answer, at least in part, is rooted in psychology. Let me explain—briefly, because even on my birthday, I’m still a business psychologist who loves a good theory.

Erikson’s 7th Stage: The Generativity Question

According to Erik Erikson’s (1950) psychosocial theory, ages 40–65 mark the developmental stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation. This is the chapter where adults start wondering, Am I making a meaningful impact? Is my life feeding others or just cycling through habits?

Dan McAdams and Ed de St. Aubin (1992) expanded on this beautifully in their work on generativity, showing that it’s not just about parenting or producing—it’s about creating things that live on beyond us, whether that’s ideas, mentorship, community work, or a message the world won’t forget.

Some people hit this stage gently. Others (like me) arrive with a thud, realizing that the climb, the fight, the grind—it gave me tools. But healing asks for a whole new set of muscles. Softer ones.

Midlife: The Most Overlooked Power Stage

Psychologist Margie Lachman (2015) calls midlife “the afternoon of life”—a transitional period often skipped over in research, but pivotal in shaping not just our present, but also the future of those around us. She explains that people in midlife often serve as a bridge—raising children, supporting aging parents, mentoring younger professionals, and trying to stay sane through it all.

Turns out, we’re often sandwiched between caregiving, career pivots, and the kind of personal evolution that doesn’t always come with applause. No wonder midlife is sometimes misbranded as a crisis. Lachman found that while some midlife adults feel low life satisfaction temporarily, many experience increasing purpose, peak leadership skills, and the highest self-confidence of their lifespan—if they take time to reflect and redirect.

That’s what this birthday feels like: a pivot, not a panic.

What This Looks Like for Me (and Maybe for You)

If you’re also facing your own psychosocial growth spurt, welcome. You’re not late. You’re just becoming. Here’s what generativity looks like from where I sit:

• Letting the work speak for itself. I’m licensing frameworks I created in survival mode and refining them in peace.

• Teaching less, leading more. I’m stepping into CEO energy—not for ego, but so I can teach others to do the same.

• Healing without urgency. I’m learning to be with my body, my breath, and my needs without apologizing for them.

• Creating meaning without burnout. Just because I can do everything doesn’t mean I should.

The hardest part? Letting the armor go. Not just the metaphorical stuff—though that, too—but the instinct to push, fix, solve, and earn every moment of rest. I’m learning that rest is a form of leadership, and healing is a form of legacy.

The Real Invitation of 40

What I know now is that midlife isn’t a crisis—it’s a recalibration. A moment to ask:

It’s also the moment we stop chasing legacy like it’s out there in the distance. Legacy starts now—with how we show up for ourselves, how we shape conversations, how we create things that outlive the struggle.

To My Fellow Midlifers (or Midlife-in-Training)

You don’t need a new identity. You need to trust the one you’ve been forming in the quiet.

You don’t have to fix your whole life by 40. You just have to believe it’s worth living with more intention.

And you’re allowed to feel messy and wise at the same time. That’s not failure. That’s midlife. And it’s a privilege.

References

Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.

Lachman, M. E. (2015). Mind the gap in the middle: A call to study midlife. Research in Human Development, 12(3–4), 327–334. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2015.1068048

McAdams, D. P., & de St. Aubin, E. (1992). A theory of generativity and its assessment through self-report, behavioral acts, and narrative themes in autobiography. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(6), 1003–1015. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.62.6.1003